Treading Water (Forgotten Soldier Book 2) Read online

  Could he really lay all the blame at Julian’s feet when he’d always known getting involved would be a bad idea? “I probably didn’t help. What with me being so disgustingly gorgeous and all.”

  More laughter, real and full-bodied, filled the cab of the truck and he found himself wanting that smiling mouth under his again. But Julian’s honesty made it impossible for him to play dumb. If he followed through, he’d be willfully leading Julian on and that would only end in pain for them both. Hell, probably all three of them because, like it or not, every decision they made going forward would affect Sean and he already had enough to deal with.

  “Friends, huh?” It shouldn’t have been a hard decision. Shane had long ago decided against attachments and a part of him wanted to hate Julian for stirring up a desire he thought he’d eradicated. But it wasn’t really Julian’s fault. He knew better, yet he’d allowed it to happen. Hell, he’d fucking started it. So, if there was an unfamiliar pang where his cold heart used to be, he’d learn to live with it. “I’d like that.”

  When Julian beamed like that, smile bright and eyes twinkling, it was like standing in the sun. Shane felt warmed from the inside out and the want grew until he forced himself to look away. As soon as he broke eye contact, the sensation of having lost something important and vital to his existence settled like a stone in the pit of his stomach.

  “Let’s go in.” He gestured toward the hotel, hoping his voice didn’t sound as desperate as he suddenly felt. “I want to hit the gym before I crash.”

  Shane didn’t wait for answer, just slammed out of the truck and started marching toward the door, the sound of Julian’s softer footsteps following him the entire way. As they separated in the lobby, with Julian heading directly for the elevator, Shane had to face the reality that he’d made some huge mistakes in the last two days.

  The problem? He wasn’t certain which mistake was worse: letting Julian in or letting him go?

  Chapter 10

  Julian

  “Julian? Is that you?” The voice stopped him cold and he quickly looked around for a place to hide. Short of diving into the rapidly closing elevator, his options were limited to ducking behind the reception desk or turning around to face the firing squad head on. Since they were his parents, there really wasn’t any question what he would do, but the first two options were entirely too tempting.

  It had been a week since they’d come to find Sean and he braced every time he stepped into the lobby. Somewhere along the way, he must have let his guard down because he never saw them hovering just beyond the automatic doors. Or maybe his mind was on more important issues—like on Shane and how they were going to deal with their mutual attraction while still being the support system Sean needed.

  Since they’d both abruptly left their homes and jobs to help his cousin, they each had to take some time to get their lives in order. Because Shane was still technically active duty, he flew home Sunday night so he could be on base first thing Monday morning to speak with his superiors. Thankfully, Jared had come through again, paving the way for an immediate leave of absence. Shane admitted that he had quite a bit of time accrued, a fact he was grateful for under the circumstances, but he also seemed annoyed and Julian wasn’t sure at who.

  Not that there was time to ask. Julian had arranged his own flight home to coincide with Shane’s return to Jacksonville. Beyond passing off the keys to the truck and giving a quick rundown of what was happening with Sean, he would’ve missed his flight if he stayed to find out what was bothering Shane. Limiting their contact had seemed like a good idea at the time because he’d missed the man entirely too much in the two days he’d been gone. Their too brief reunion and all the unanswered questions kept Shane in the forefront of his thoughts ever since and Julian hoped they’d be able to discuss it when Shane picked him up at the airport.

  Except it wasn’t just the two of them and once again he was focusing on the wrong thing. Through a quick text exchange just before he boarded his flight, he learned that Sean had hurt himself. In what had become his morning routine, he was making the rounds of the other patients before Shane arrived and discovered that the guy on the breathing machine had died during the night. Upset and angry, he tried to back out of the room the orderlies were still cleaning and tipped himself out of the chair instead. Now he was back on pain meds and awaiting scans to see if he’d done any more damage.

  Obviously, they both agreed he shouldn’t be left alone and Julian had spent the travel time reminding himself that their first concern had to be Sean, not each other. To say that his mind was elsewhere was an understatement. For sure it wasn’t standing in the hospital lobby with Walter and Esther Brand.

  “Mother.” Though they hadn’t seen one another in at least three years, that shapeless blue dress and dour expression were very familiar. It was completely unassuming and forgettable, and what Julian liked to call her uniform. Esther Brand did not wear pants of any kind, they weren’t ‘becoming of a lady,’ and she didn’t smile in public lest it be misconstrued as enticing. Both were dictates of his father, which Julian found as confusing as they were restricting.

  Sure enough, the grim-faced man of his nightmares stood just a step behind her, watching them through narrowed eyes. Wearing sturdy jeans and one of his many patriotic t-shirts, Walter Brand was a little older and a lot less physically intimidating than he’d once been, and that didn’t stop Julian from shivering just the same. “Father.”

  The reaction was over the top, even he knew that. His parents hadn’t physically abused him. They just didn’t understand him and they feared what they didn’t understand. That fear translated into disappointment and they made him feel…wrong. Ashamed. Not good enough. In their zeal, they turned to religion for solace and a solution. Julian counted himself lucky that his father was too proud to admit defeat, so they never sent him to a conversion camp. But their attempts to change him left their mark and the effort to shoehorn himself into someone they could accept left a huge, gaping hole in his life. One he filled with impossible relationships just so he could pretend that someone cared, however fleeting.

  “How’s Sean?”

  Guess they weren’t even going to exchange pleasantries. No great shock there. On so many levels, Sean was the son they had hoped for. Straight. A decorated career soldier. Not some peace-and-love wanting homo who spouted new-age karmic bullshit and abhorred violence in all forms.

  “He’s fine.” Because, really, he wasn’t obligated to say more than that.

  “Fine?” Esther repeated doubtfully. “Have they found a suitable facility for him? We visited one about an hour from our house that seems quite lovely and is close enough for us to visit on occasion.”

  “Facility?” Julian parroted back stupidly. “You want to stick him in a home?”

  “For people like him.” When Julian just blinked at her in confusion, she leaned in and whispered, “You know, one of them cripples. God help him.”

  That she followed it up with a quick sign of the cross made Julian’s skin crawl. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe in a higher power or begrudge anyone their religion, but he knew firsthand how fanatical they were and it never boded well—for him, at least. And, seriously, how un-Christian could one be and still attend church with their heads held high?

  “Sean won’t be going into a facility,” Shane spat out as he came around to plant himself in front of Julian, forcing Walter and Esther back a step. “I told you that yesterday and the day before, and harassing Julian isn’t going to change either of our minds.”

  Julian had never been more grateful to see anyone or more mortified by his own parents. That Shane had been forced to deal with them in his absence, knowing his hang ups and their sanctimonious bullshit, was downright terrifying.

  “Now, listen here, young man. This is a family matter and you are not family.” Walter enunciated each venom-filled word slowly and dared to take a small step forward, as if he planned to go toe-to-toe with Shane. The action was laugha
ble and even a younger Julian, who once quaked in fear of ever disappointing this man, would have recognized who held the power right now.

  And that realization emboldened him enough to say, “Yes, he is.”

  All eyes turned to him and Julian took strength from the pride he saw in Shane’s gaze. “Shane is our family, mine and Sean’s, and he’s who Sean trusts to make decisions regarding his healthcare.”

  “Then where’s he been? What took him so long to get here?” Walter sneered as he looked between them with his patented condescending glare. “We came immediately. We were the ones praying by his bedside.”

  Pointing out that Sean had requested they be called, only to have his wishes ignored, would’ve fallen on deaf ears. His parents were too full of their own good deeds to see where they fell short.

  “Sean’s grateful, Dad, you know he is.” Of that, Julian was certain and he knew how conflicted his cousin was because of it. Being taken in at the worst moment of his young life and given a home had meant the world to him. But as his own grief started to ease and Sean noticed how things really were in the Brand household, he found it impossible to sit idly by. “But you can’t cast him off as damaged goods and then claim to have his best interests at heart.”

  Esther put a hand to her throat and gaped at them in horror. “We’re trying to help him.”

  “By locking him away?” Shane asked incredulously. “There’s nothing wrong with rest of his body. He’s still smart and capable. Still a man with his whole life ahead of him. He can work, fall in love, have a family…all the same things you or I could do. Yet, you would take that from him. Why?”

  More confused than appeased, Esther asked, “But who’ll take care of him?”

  “Sean’s already learning how to cope with his disability so that he can take care of himself and until then, Julian and I will pick up the slack.” Shane folded his arms and stared them down. “I don’t think you’re malicious, just misguided, but make no mistake. If you harass Sean or Julian, you will deal with me and if you want to be part of their lives, you’ll have to prove your intentions to me. Until then, step back and let Julian pass. Sean’s been waiting for him.”

  Before they could muster a response, Shane took his hand and led him toward the elevator. For the first time in his life, Julian flinched away from that public display. His father had a keen eye and was already looking between them suspiciously. Hand holding would be all the evidence he’d need to make an accusation, whether it was true or not.

  “Now it makes sense. You’re one of them homosexuals!” The words weren’t quiet and Julian’s heart sank.

  “And that matters why?” Instead of letting go, Shane pulled him closer and looked at Walter as if he were nothing. “Because I’m failing to see what my sexuality has to do with your nephew’s recovery. This isn’t about me or Julian, it’s certainly not about either of you, it’s only about what’s in Sean’s best interest. Arguing with you is a waste of our time, but for fuck’s sake, man, grow some priorities.”

  “Please, let’s just go.” Julian’s whisper was ignored as Shane stomped back across the lobby, pulling him along as if he weighed nothing.

  And Shane didn’t stop until he was right in Walter’s face. “What kind of man treats his own family like they’re disposable? When you couldn’t change Julian, you cut him out of your life like he’s nothing. Now you’re ready to write Sean off as useless even though he’s a better man than you’ll ever hope to be.”

  Walter gaped up at Shane, mouth opening and closing as he tried to come up with a suitable argument. Normally, he’d fall back on scripture, cherry picking passages and twisting words to support his stance. In the face of Shane’s reality check, he had nothing, and Julian wasn’t sure how he felt seeing his father so effectively cut off at the knees. He was proud of Shane, touched that someone would stand up for him, and saddened that it had come down to this ugly exchange of words.

  “Do you really want to help Sean or do you just want the accolades that come with telling your church-going friends that you did right by your poor, parentless, crippled nephew?” When neither Walter or Esther seemed capable of answering, Shane jerked his head toward the doors and ordered, “Go pray on it. If, by the grace of God, you truly care about your son or your nephew, we’ll talk. But if you look in your heart and see only the hate you’re spewing, stay away. It’s not welcome here.”

  This time Shane nudged him forward, putting himself between Julian and his parents as they made their way to the elevator. When he would have looked back to see if they were still there, Shane was blocking his view—a human shield prepared to stop him from hurting himself. Once inside the elevator, Shane pressed the number for the floor below Sean’s and stood before him, arms folded and expression thunderous.

  Julian was still trying to find the right words to penetrate that wall when the doors opened and Shane corralled him into a utility closet to demand, “Are you okay?”

  He should have said yes or at least nodded and smiled. The response was right there, an automatic answer to what was normally a hollow question. A way for someone to sound solicitous even though they really didn’t care to hear about the answer. The rules of the game were simple and everyone knew the proper response. It was a lesson Julian learned young and he always had his fake smile at the ready.

  Until Shane, and damned if his eyes didn’t start to burn in the face of what he knew was real, genuine concern for his well-being. Julian ducked his head, refusing to let Shane see just how much that affected him. “You suck.”

  Not looking the least bit perturbed, Shane gripped his chin and forced him out of hiding. “You have an interesting way of showing your thanks.”

  “I’d get on my knees, but we’re not doing that anymore.” It was meant to be a joke, only neither of them were laughing.

  Shane regarded him thoughtfully before leaning in until their mouths were a breath apart. “So, I shouldn’t do this?”

  ‘This’ was to kiss him within an inch of his life. With two fingers holding his chin and that mouth gliding smoothly over his, Julian barely registered being backed up or the wall he was sandwiched against. He gave no thought to holding back, wouldn’t have recognized the concept if it had fallen on his head, and didn’t have a single regret about grabbing on with both hands.

  Finally, Shane eased back a few inches and that thoughtful gaze refused to let him retreat. Julian braced himself for some fancy backpedaling and when it didn’t come, he was left wondering what changed. “That wasn’t a pity kiss, was it?”

  With a disbelieving snort, Shane demanded, “What the hell is a pity kiss?”

  “It’s like a pity fuck.” Julian kind of thought it was self-explanatory, but Shane just blinked at him. “You know, when someone’s so upset that you agree to have sex with them to cheer them up.”

  “People do that?” Curiosity gave way to anger in a blink of that fiery gaze. “You do that?”

  Oh, oh, was that jealousy looking back at him? It was and Shane wasn’t doing anything to hide it. “I might have. Once. Or twice. For a good friend. Not in a long time though.”

  “Are you serious?” Shane thundered, his grip tightening in his exasperation. “And you wonder why Sean worries about you? Don’t you value yourself at all?”

  The question left Julian momentarily speechless. At the time, he didn’t think he was devaluing himself. Not for the friends he’d shared comfort or companionship with, nor the relationships he knew wouldn’t last. Now, though, he wasn’t sure. Shane didn’t pretend that his encounters were anything more than two men getting their nut and that didn’t require emotions. Was it that he didn’t believe himself capable or was he saving them…unlike Julian, who gave them away with desperate abandon in the hopes of getting them returned?

  Rocked and uncertain, Julian needed to turn the tables. “Why did you kiss me? I was honest in how I felt and understanding of your limitations, but you can’t just kiss me whenever you feel like it and then put that wal
l back up. Not only is that leading me on, its…”

  Shane covered his mouth again, cutting off his tirade and turning the anger that was building into lust. Strong hands grabbed him by the ass, pulling him in and up until Julian was clinging like a monkey. It was insanity, full blown and potentially dangerous, but he couldn’t resist that mouth or those hands.

  “I missed you.” The soft whisper against his lips shorted his brain. Unsure if Shane meant it, but completely confident he couldn’t handle the sentiment either way, Julian grabbed Shane’s face and tried to take over the kiss. Only, Shane refused to be silenced. “I’ve never missed anyone in my entire life. Why do you think that is, Julian?”

  “Why are you doing this to me?” He hated the sob in his voice, but he was so turned on and angry and confused, and knew they were just one kiss away from making another bad decision.

  “Because I value you.” Shane didn’t shy away as he spoke words that were foreign to both of them.

  Julian felt his heart melting, literally felt it, and desperately tried to remember why this was such a bad idea. His history sucked. Shane’s was no better. It was entirely too soon and he still didn’t know what changed. All valid reasons that were summarily discarded as inconsequential. “What are you saying?”

  Sounding thoroughly put out, Shane said, “That I don’t know fuck-all about relationships, but just the idea of you having sex with anyone else—pity or otherwise—makes me want to kill someone. I figure that means we’re in a damn relationship.”

  “Uh, what?” What kind of alternate reality was this? “You can’t just make that kind of declaration.”

  “And yet, I just did.” Shane didn’t even have the grace to look guilty for the turmoil he was causing.

  “Is that really what you want?” Perhaps if he didn’t sound so pissed off, Julian wouldn’t have had to ask. “How do you know it’s what I want?”

  The response, like everything else that happened since he walked into the hospital, was completely unexpected. First Shane smiled a little. Then it grew into a grin that kept right on expanding until Shane was laughing so hard he was shaking them both.