Treading Water (Forgotten Soldier Book 2) Read online

  “When I think about him, I realize how incredibly lucky I am. Then I look at a woman like Doctor Mendez and a part of me feels like, if I can’t function as a man, I might as well be dead.” With that admission, Sean seemed to shrink into the mattress and pulled up his blanket as if he could hide from his own mortification. “What does that make me?”

  Seeing Sean fall apart was something Shane wasn’t likely to forget. Never could he have imagined a single scenario that included this big, strong, strapping sailor curled up in his blankets sobbing. As Julian climbed back onto the bed, absorbing that pain as if it were his own, Shane feared he was the wrong man to help them. He was barely treading water and the overwhelming emotions coming off both men were like a rip tide threatening to pull him away.

  Over the years, he heard Sean worry over his cousin’s emotional stability enough that he thought he was doing the right thing by offering Julian a safe place to vent. It wasn’t like his own emotions were in danger of getting involved—he only had a couple and none of them were tied up in a man he didn’t know. The same couldn’t be said for Sean. They were more than friends, more than the honorary brothers, and this breakdown had his own eyes itching in an alarming way.

  Were those tears? It had been decades. For sure, never in his adult life. Not since…no, it was best not to think about that now. Talk about being useless. If he went down that path, Sean and Julian would be taking care of him.

  A warm hand slid along his and the ease in which their fingers twined gave him pause. Cautiously, he looked over and found brown eyes filled with understanding and invitation. He had promised Julian he wouldn’t be alone and the quiet reciprocation had been nice, but nothing he expected to count on. Without consciously thinking about it, Shane found himself sitting on the edge of the bed. Though it wasn’t built for three grown men, he was able to wrap his arm around his little unit and was surprised how right it felt.

  “We’re going to get through this, Sean. Will you let us take care of you?” Julian was still speaking when Shane felt Sean nodding against them.

  For better or worse, they were in it together now and Shane refused to let them down no matter how uncomfortable it might get for him.

  Chapter 6

  Shane

  It was after nine when they finally checked into the hotel Aiden arranged for them. Thanks to a pre-season football game, they could only get one room, but were assured more would be available by the weekend. Julian had given him a look that matched the sheer exhaustion he felt. Once settled, who was going to want to move and really, did they need the added expense? Though Jared had insisted that they keep track of any money spent so they could be reimbursed, they suspected he was funding the foundation out of his own pocket. Not knowing what Sean would need going forward, they didn’t want to waste that generosity on incidentals.

  The one thing they didn’t balk at was the bags waiting for them in their room. Until that moment, it hadn’t dawned on either of them that they’d been traveling with absolutely nothing—no clothes or toiletries, not even a damn toothbrush. Someone—probably Aiden—had arranged for those things to be delivered and they were grateful to have that handled before it became a worry.

  “A part of me wants a shower and food, but the rest just wants to fall face first into a pile of pillows and pray this was all a bad dream.”

  Shane glanced over to see Julian eyeing one of the beds longingly. His slender face was gaunt and grey, his dark eyes bruised from crying, and his shoulder length hair had been pulled in so many directions, it could only be considered a hot mess. Sleep would do him a world of good, but food was necessary and a shower would help relax him.

  He held up the bag of Chinese food they grabbed on the way over and shook it. “You know I can eat everything in this bag, right? If you don’t have some now, I won’t save you half for tomorrow.”

  Trying to look hurt, Julian whimpered, “You’d do me like that?”

  I’d do you exactly like that, crazy hair and all, especially if you make that sound when I do it.

  The thought came out of nowhere and left him staring at Julian in surprise. Fatigue was not attractive and, after the day they had, the very last thing he should be thinking about was sex. Having subsisted on the occasional no-strings-attached encounter, no one would ever call him sexual. He thought about it, just like everyone else on the planet, but he didn’t need it and could go weeks without even masturbating. Hell, he’d easily gone months without any sort of intimacy and never once felt like he was missing out.

  “Shane?” Julian’s fingers brushed his arm and Shane felt like sparks were dancing over his skin.

  What the fuck? This was stress. It had to be.

  “Are you okay?” Now Julian was close enough that Shane could feel the heat of his body. “You look really pale all of a sudden.” In full caretaker mode, Julian reach around him to pull out one of the chairs from the small two-seater and it was all Shane could do not to groan when their bodies brushed. “Here, sit down and I’ll take care of the food.”

  Unable to open his mouth for fear of acting on this uncharacteristic and inappropriate impulse, Shane allowed himself to be pushed into the chair. Hopeful that it would pass, he couldn’t look away as Julian unpacked their dinner and set it out on the small table. Was he humming? Yes, that was most certainly a little hum as he bustled about opening Styrofoam containers, unwrapping plastic utensils, and even uncapping both bottles of water. It was…weird is what it was.

  “Come on, eat something. You’ll feel better.” As if to demonstrate, Julian forked up a healthy portion of beef with broccoli and brought it to his lips. His slim, pale, suddenly really attractive lips.

  Because you’ve ever cared about a man’s mouth before?

  Apparently, he cared now because he couldn’t stop watching as those lips parted and then closed around the fork. Who moaned over Chinese food and why the hell was Julian moving in slow motion? The little plastic fork wasn’t that big, so what was taking so long? Finally, blessedly, it slid away, leaving a drop of sauce behind, and it took all of Shane’s willpower not to lick it off.

  “Oh.” The shocked sound drew Shane’s gaze up to find Julian’s eyes wide with surprise.

  There was no way Julian could know what he was thinking, but Shane wasn’t willing to take that chance. Grabbing up his own fork, he shoveled the food in without tasting it and tried to recall every one of Sean’s warnings. Even if he didn’t know that Julian gave his heart too easily and often got hurt in the process, he shouldn’t be messing with his best friend’s cousin.

  As if that wasn’t enough of a reason, one night stands only worked when everyone knew the score and there was little chance of regular interaction. They would be working closely together for the foreseeable future and giving in tonight would only make things awkward going forward. Why make the situation harder than it was, just to scratch an itch?

  “Did you know that Sean thought we would make a good match?” The quiet question felt like an accusation and Shane didn’t know why.

  Yes, he’d heard that nonsense from Sean, but it didn’t make sense then or now. His friend knew where he stood on sex and relationships, so why would he want someone so detached for his ‘very emotional’ cousin? Having warned Sean against it, Shane didn’t understand why he would fill Julian’s head with unrealistic expectations. Especially if he was so worried about him getting hurt.

  “Your cousin means well, but he knows I’m not a good match for anyone.”

  “Let me guess. Our friendly over-sharer told you I get attached too easily, invest myself even when I know I’m going to get hurt, and suffer severe bouts of depression as a result.” That about summed it up perfectly and they both knew it. Julian didn’t need him to agree. “Know what he told me about you?”

  “Probably that I have commitment issues and am still technically in the closet as far as the Navy is concerned?” The second could be overcome if he were so inclined, but the first…well, not everyone believed
in happily ever after. People died every day, leaving devastation in their wake. So, why would he let his guard down for something that could only end in heartache? He didn’t want to be left behind and he certainly didn’t want to leave someone to grieve for him. Alone was better. Safer. Of the few people he called friend, Sean was the only one who could truly commiserate. Their pasts were not that dissimilar and yet, he still filled his cousin’s head with impossible dreams. It defied reason.

  “Guess the mystery’s already gone, huh?” Julian gave him an uncomfortable smile and Shane had to admit, the full transparency was disconcerting.

  The third-party knowledge left them making assumptions about each other based on someone else’s view of them. And maybe Sean’s wasn’t entirely accurate because, even knowing what he did about them, he still planted a seed that didn’t have any obvious room to grow.

  “Can I tell you something?” That soft question made his gut tighten painfully. All his senses went on high alert and Julian’s wistful expression wasn’t helping. “Since, you know, we have no secrets.”

  Refusing would be easy, but he was intrigued even if he didn’t want to show it. Still, when he just shrugged, Julian rolled his eyes as if he saw right through the gesture. A few beats of silence passed and Shane wasn’t sure he could let it go if Julian didn’t tell him soon.

  “I would’ve let you kiss me.” The admission, when it finally came, wasn’t a shock.

  “In the interest of full disclosure, it would’ve been a mistake.” The harsh response might have made him a dick, but he preferred to be upfront and avoid any undue expectations. Of course, Julian didn’t so much as blink at his assessment.

  “Maybe. Probably.” Definitely, but Julian didn’t sound convinced when he said, “Or not.”

  He wasn’t going to ask. No way. No how. Not in this lifetime or the next. He. Would. Not. Ask.

  “What do you mean…or not?” Fuck, when did he become a weak bastard?

  Instead of answering right away, Julian took a moment to pack up the rest of his dinner and stood to walk it over to the mini-fridge. Was he being coy and playing hard to get? Shane didn’t understand the point when the direct approach worked so much better.

  “We’re going to be spending a lot of time together and I can’t lie worth a damn, so here goes nothing.” Julian squared his shoulders and Shane felt himself bracing. “I’ve been fantasizing about you for years and now you’re looking at me like you want to fuck me standing. Should I pretend to be all blasé about it, tell you I’m capable of separating my emotions, just for a few moments of fleeting pleasure? I’m not the smartest guy in the world, but that just sounds like I’d be buying us tickets to the shit show and we’re already double booked.”

  On the one hand, the shocking confession was proof that Sean’s eighteen-year campaign was a mistake. On the other, Julian was right—Shane wanted to fuck him standing, sitting, laying down, and any other position they could contort into. With both hands tied, he was trapped between doing what was right and doing what he wanted, and all he could muster was a lame, “That’s very honest.”

  “It’s the only way to avoid unrealistic expectations.” Having based his whole life on that mantra, Shane should have been relieved to hear Julian’s thoughts mirroring his own. Only, the stress of this situation was fucking him up in the strangest ways and instead of relief, all he felt was disappointment. “I know Sean thinks I’m an emotional cripple and, as much as I appreciate his protection, I’m not as fragile as all that. If you don’t lead me on or lie to me, I won’t get hurt.”

  That didn’t jive with what he thought he knew, but it was logical and direct. Something Shane appreciated enough to give back. It was time to set aside assumptions and start getting to know each other directly—no matter what happened tonight. “So, if I said I wasn’t looking for anything beyond a little mutual stress relief?”

  “I’d ask if you were looking for a one-night thing or an option for the occasional encore?” Julian’s open expression left no room for artifice and it was obvious he was interested. More than interested. Shane could honestly say no one had ever looked at him with that combination of lust and hopefulness before.

  Being Julian’s fantasy was disconcerting enough, but his hope? Neither were on the table and he needed them both to be clear on that. “That sounds suspiciously like a relationship, which I don’t do.”

  “Are you sure?” Julian asked doubtfully. “Because friendships are relationships and you’ve been in at least one long term friendship that I know of. Personally, I’d like to think we started another one this morning and I’d still like us to be friends whether we fuck once or once a week—and not just because we need to work together for Sean.”

  “So, what? Friends with benefits?” Of all his one night stands, less than a handful inspired the thought of a repeat and he’d never acted on it. Fleeting pleasure wasn’t worth the risk of blurring his strict lines and leading someone to think he felt something when he didn’t. But damned if he wasn’t intrigued.

  Again, Julian hesitated, and Shane now knew he was choosing his words to be as truthful as possible. “We’re being honest, right? Well, as your friend, I’m going to care about you which is an investment. Can you accept that without worrying that I’m looking to trap you? That we can enjoy each other for however long the urge lasts and still be friends after it fades.”

  Though he hadn’t considered it as such before, it was true that he was fully invested in his relationship with Sean. When he said they were brothers, it wasn’t just a nice sentiment and the whole reason they were here proved it. In the car, he told Julian that he felt like they were family through Sean, which meant there was already the beginnings of an investment on his part. He would be a hypocrite if he punished Julian for feeling the same.

  “You don’t think it’ll be awkward…after?” He had to ask because now that he recognized it for what it was, he didn’t want to risk it.

  “I imagine there’ll be a moment in the morning when it can go either way, but if we communicate honestly like we are now, I don’t see why it has to be.”

  Neither did he, which was strange. Not strange enough to walk away, but something he was sure to think about again. Later.

  Having used up all his words, Shane crossed the room and crowded Julian against the wall. Permission had already been granted, so he didn’t hesitate to take the kiss that had started them on this journey. Julian’s lips were soft and pliant, parting easily to let him in, and there was a little vibration as if he were humming again. If he had to describe the taste, there was a hint of Chinese spices with a pinch of something sweet and a dash of something earthy. The combination was like the best savory treat and Shane found himself eager for more.

  Kissing wasn’t normally something he put a lot of effort into and he’d been with men who didn’t kiss at all, so he wasn’t prepared to be affected by having Julian’s mouth beneath his. It was unfamiliar and a little scary, and Shane needed to know it wasn’t one-sided. Still, when he pulled back and saw Julian touch his fingers to his mouth, the wonder in those dark eyes made something swell inside him. He shouldn’t like it and he definitely shouldn’t encourage it, but one-offs never looked at him like that.

  “You ever think you’re attracted to someone and then, when you kiss them for the first time, you realize that while you might find them good looking, the spark isn’t there?” Julian asked uncertainly. “That’s not what just happened, right?”

  “Definitely not.” Lying would’ve been a cop out and not how he wanted to start their friendship or whatever this was.

  This wasn’t the first time he been dropped in the deep end without a life vest and surviving it then had made him stronger. He didn’t know what getting involved with Julian would do to him, but he was more intrigued than scared, and uncomfortable didn’t feel as bad as he expected.

  Chapter 7

  Julian

  One second, Julian was sure Shane would bang him right there between
the mini-fridge and the television stand and the next, Shane’s phone was ringing and Sean barely waited for him to say hello before he started ranting. Sean was livid, beyond anything either of them had ever heard, and Shane just let him go off. As the tirade continued, Julian felt the last of his strength waning and Shane waved him off toward the bathroom to shower. They were still on the phone when Julian came out, though the conversation sounded calmer and Shane’s deep, soothing voice was more than he could fight. Exhaustion won out over desire and the last thing he remembered was Shane pulling a blanket over him.

  Now he felt rested and warm, and the reason was wrapped around him like a cloak. A very naked cloak. One strong arm held him firm, as if daring him to try to sneak away, and the steady breathing suggested Shane was as deeply asleep as he’d been. It felt good, probably better than was wise, and was totally unexpected. Not only hadn’t he felt Shane come to bed, Julian never expected that bed to be his. Men who had such a disposable view of sex didn’t ‘sleep’ with the men they wanted to fuck and they didn’t hold them close through the night.

  Only knowing Shane’s limitations kept him from reading more into it than it was. They were two men searching for comfort—nothing more. Stressful situations often made people act out of character and theirs was compounded both by their love of Sean and this undercurrent of familiarity he bred in his failed attempt to bring them together. Julian had an inkling of how it would all shake out and he didn’t care. Others might disagree and his track record wasn’t great, but his heart was not leading him astray as Sean so often accused. He didn’t regret a single heartbreak, nor did he pretend he didn’t see them coming, and this would be no different.

  He might have overstated when he said that if Shane didn’t lead him on or lie to him, he wouldn’t get hurt. That was inevitable because his heart was as soft as it was strong, but Julian would never regret becoming Shane Parker’s lover—even if it was only once. After their conversation, he could honestly say that he was going into this with his eyes wide open and, if this was his only chance, he didn’t want to waste another second sleeping.